SMA has made a Differnce in My Life.

Here’s the lowdown on what you need to know about me. My name is Ellen. I’m 22, 5’9”, have blue eyes and was born in July. I studied Japanese at university, and in my spare time I like learning how to kick things. Oh yeah, and I suffer from depression.

I’ve had depression since I was 14, but I wasn’t diagnosed with it until I was 20. Depression, not ‘I’m having a bad day and feel a bit down’ depression, but real ‘the chemicals in my brain are all screwed up’ depression, is a frustrating condition. It never really, fully goes away. So while I’ll go through periods where I feel fine and generally upbeat, there are also times where I feel so bad I can’t even get out of bed. And during those times, the only thing to do is learn to cope with it.

A few months ago I went through a particularly bad patch. I started sleeping 13 or 14 hours a day, comfort eating, and barely left the house except to go to work. For 3 weeks I stopped going to SOLO at all. It always felt like it would be too much to cope with, I didn’t have the energy or the drive, and I’d only get exhausted and make a fool out of myself in front the class. I was on the verge of writing to Dee and Darren and telling them I was just going to stop going altogether, cancel my payments, and hand back my gloves. I even had the email I’d send to them all planned out.

But in the end, even that was just too much effort for me. So finally, one Monday, I thought I’d try going back to SOLO just one more time, just in case, just to see if maybe I could cope. And I went, and it was like learning to smile all over again. The combination of exercise, and spending time with friendly, non-judgmental people, of learning that I still had energy, that I could cope with classes, and that my fears were all imagined, was exhilarating. At SOLO I found freedom from the bad feelings that were trapping me, and stopping me from enjoying my life.

For the previous few weeks I’d become more and more convinced that I would always feel this bad, constantly exhausted, and not wanting to do anything – certainly not trying to follow my dreams. But after 45 minutes of hard work and some serious pain, I realised I’d had what I needed in me all along. The energy was still there, along with happiness, and a renewed sense of determination to make something of my life. All I’d needed was someone to make me work, and show me I had it in me. So I went back, on the Wednesday, and the Friday, and the following week, and the following one, and recently I’ve been going as much as much as I can, almost every day. And every time I do I feel that little bit brighter, that little bit better inside.

I’m not saying SOLO is that answer to all my problems, or that it’s cured my depression for good. But going there helps me more than medication, more than counselling, and so much more than hiding away in my room. There are still days when I wake up and feel horrendous, when I want nothing more than to hide away from the world and give up everything. But then I go to SOLO, and run, and jump, and punch, and kick, and pray that Darren won’t be too evil tonight, because there is only so much that one girl can sweat, and I smile, and feel like I can cope with life again.